#vss365 #kindred

Should this have been put in the conditional instead? I think so and it sounds stronger--with a more suggestive than definitive tone. 

It felt like there might also have been too many 'me's' which by the ring of it by the 5th line felt overdone with the 'me', but I kept it in as it seemed appropriate as it's a motif about 'being seen'. 

So this revised one would have just fit within the Twitter character limit too but feels a little redundant to post this up there:

#vss365

Was it the wrinkles that made us #kindred?

I couldn’t say for sure.

They did laugh & writhe as a jester

at me as if foretelling the age I’d be

when no one left ahead or behind me

would still hear me—

I turned around in the gallery but it was only
just the painting seeing me.

 

 

The original was:

#vss365

Was it the wrinkles that made us #kindred?

I can’t say for sure.

They did laugh & writhe as a jester

at me as if foretelling the age I’ll be

when no one left ahead or behind me

will still hear me—

I turned around in the gallery but it was only

just the painting seeing me.

 

Which one suits your understanding better?